THE CIRCLE OF THE ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL PERCEPTIONS OF THE BLACK GAY/SGL/SSD MAN

J. Marshall Evans CHSS, ACS, ASSECT

Black men of same-sex desires have moved into an infatuation with muscles, hyper-masculinity, and “pretty boy looks’ that has created a level of second-class citizenship within the community. This behavior is something that has arisen from the depths of prejudice that is fueled by ego and media’s unrealistic, hip-hop, ‘Top model”, egocentric perceptions. These perceptions have stunted us in developing friendships and created a cycle of doubt around the possibilities of meeting other black men to truly date and have healthy long-term, caring, intimate relationships.

I have several black SGL/SSD/Gay/ Bisexual clients that sit on my couch everyday, Many of these men are fitting the perception of the perfect wrapping paper, but still lonely, hollow, and needing emotional reconstruction on the inside. Yet, we perpetrate these unrealistic goals of needs and wants that we ourselves can never live up to. The community that is void of dating skills and examples of healthy relationships; thanks in part to exploitation of our community by our white counterparts. (Don’t believe me brothers then look at who owns Men4Now and Adam4Adam, Black Inches, and who produces most black gay porn. I am not knocking the institutions, but when are we going to create healthier outlets to balance the tide.)

We need to understand the man that we want in our lives is the man we have to become. Do you want a man that is giving and charitable? Then how much time do you donate to charities, help youth that are at risk, or donate money to fundraisers that move us toward political, spiritual, and social goals? Do you want a man that is honest? Then how many lies do you tell to make yourself feel better about yourself? Do you want a man that is healthy mentally? , Have you taken the time to do a mental inventory and once you recognize the issues do you set up and take steps to conquer those issues? Do you want a man with an open mind and good heart? Then do you create profiles and live out standards that are effemiphobic, eliminate people by looks or body types, and skin color? Do you think positive of other black gay men and wish those of the community well from your heart even if they are achieving when you are struggling? Do you smile? Do you want a man that is spiritual? Do you take the time to pray, meditate, read about and evolve in your own personal spiritual growth? Do you want a man that is healthy sexually? Then have you experimented with condom types, read up on sexual health issues, develop healthy sexual conversation skills like self-efficacy and trigger management?

 I was at a summit recently and a speaker made a powerful statement. She said we as black people are truly acting out a biblical principal. “Love your neighbor as yourself”. We are doing this well, look at how we love ourselves. Many move themselves to superficial and overt arrogance to make themselves feel better. The element of façade is so rampant in our community that it is damaging a healthy rites of passage for the youth that are coming behind us.. We use each other for sexual gratification, but do not know each other’s last names. We are constantly in defense and “reading” mode, and we also neglect responsibilities and are apathetic in response to important issues and causes for completely surface accesses.  How does a populace survive when a majority of the people are trying to be perfect 10’s looking for a superior 11 for sex or romance?. 

This is why we must stop promoting prejudices among our black SGL/Gay community. Internal prejudices are why we take risky behaviors, why we promote such arrogant and sexist ideals as the infamous “No fat, No Fem”. So how does this play out in terms of relationship development? Well, look around at the number of black men that are seeking love and relationships, the number of black gay men in pain, the number of black gay men depressed and lonely, the number of SGL men that have given up on love and romance. Sometimes we need to truly recognize the right person for us and not the person for right now. If we are so focused on the wrapping paper, then we will never see the gift inside. Beauty should not be based on European ideals or media teachings and more on reality and similar and preferred qualities.

Turn off MTV, BET, and America’s Next Top Model and come to the reality that the majority of people do not fit into those circles. It is one thing for us to say politically correct things, and another thing in how we live a sex and romantic life of integrity. Ghandi said for us all to be the change we want to see in the world; and even Michael Jackson sang it well, we must start with the “Man in the Mirror”.