I remember so clearly the day that I found out that my long term relationship was over. It was Valentine’s Day 2005, and I recall placing a teddy bear, a box of chocolate, a card and a pair of lounge pants on my then partner’s side of the bed. I had arrived home before him, and laid out everything carefully, turning on the lights on the bedroom set so that he would be able to see what I purchased.



He came home with two boxes of chocolate about a half hour later, the larger of the two being for his mother. At that moment, I realized that I was looking at the symbolic image of exactly where I ranked in his heart. Mind you, there were signs throughout the year that our relationship was on its last legs, but I really wanted it to work. After all, I had invested eleven years of my life into this relationship and I didn’t want to see it end. I thought that perhaps we could “fix” it somehow because we still loved each other. This I know for sure because even as we drifted further and further apart, we spent many a night crying in each others arms because we knew it was over and we couldn’t get it back.

Time has a way of changing people, morphing them into someone that may not even remotely remember “x” amount of years before. Sometimes it’s for the better, sometimes not. I say this because as they change, so do you. Your hopes, dreams, wants, needs and desires change with each passing year into something that makes you who and what you are today. I realized that all the love in the world couldn’t keep us together. And once I realized this, my heart broke. All of the dreams I had for us vanished like smoke and I was left with some feelings that I had to sort out as well as some decisions that had to be made.

I started living at the gym and when I wasn’t there, I was in the park running like crazy. I simply strapped on the ipod and took off. My former partner and I were living together – or rather, I was living with him. I used the time alone to plan my life and to mourn the loss of a love that I thought was going to take me into my golden years.
I wanted to end this with no anger or hate, which is sometimes easier said than done. Getting on with my life proved difficult because I realized that the job that I had at the time couldn’t support me. The salary wasn’t paying enough to meet my needs, so I did the only thing I could do – hit the internet and the paper, looked for a job and at the same time looked for an apartment. A part of me had to cruise on autopilot to get through the emotional aspect of the breakup because no matter how angry you are at your former partner, you still mourn what was as well as what could have been.

Once the job and the apartment was secured, I moved and then (and only then) did the healing begin. I didn’t have to see him or whoever he was dating anymore so it made it easier to find me. I had to rediscover me once again. I was no longer part of a “we”, and I had to find out what parts of myself I lost and then find a way to bring it back.
About a month later, I was rummaging though a box that I had neglected to unpack when I came across a few cd’s of classic jazz music that I had forgotten that I had. It was like discovering an old, good friend. I smiled as I put them on, and listened to music that took me back to a time that I had almost forgotten.

With all of this, I learned something very valuable – never love someone so hard and so strong that you lose yourself. Its okay to blend with someone, just don’t blend so well that you disappear. And while you’re busy loving your man, take the time to love yourself. Be just as in love with you as you are with him.

When it’s over, it’s over. And if it’s over because of something that he did, work on forgiving him as well as forgiving yourself. Remember, forgiving him is for you, not for him. And lastly, learn something from it. It’ll prepare you for the next love of your life.