The DL lifestyle isn’t going away. There is too much at stake for the men who practice it. And there is also an allure to the gay men who encourage it. The DL man is typically macho, tough, manly, thuggish, and hard. They are our version of the perpetual “bad boy” that many straight women find themselves attracted to and fantasizing about. But the negatives of the DL lifestyle include very risky sexual behaviors that have put our black women and children at risk.

There is no known cure for HIV/AIDS and prevention can only do so much. Too many people are fooled into thinking that HIV/AIDS is akin to catching a bad cold or temporary illness like strep throat. The reality is: people may be living longer, healthier lives with HIV but people are also still dying.

When all is said and done, I wonder if there is a lack of love for our black men. Have we set them up to fail, giving them the impossible tasks of providing for, being a role model to, breaking the barriers of? Have we placed too much behavioral emphasis on what it is to be a man and broken their spirit so much so that they have forgotten emotionally and spiritually what it is to be a man, to include loving other men?

If we continue to allow negative messages about black gay people to flourish in the community, we must be ready to accept the deaths that are sure to come.

It’s an interesting phenomenon that the black community, though reluctantly, is much more accepting of our lesbian sisters, the exception being the lesbian who adopts masculine behaviors and styles of dress. And even then, there are those circles to whom these masculine women are seen as “one of the boys”. In my neighborhood I’ve met several out lesbians, a very diverse cross-section, to include an older couple who do their laundry and shopping together. The gay men look the other way when I pass by.

An anecdote: not too long ago a black woman contacted me via my personal ad on an international online dating website. She left a cryptic message with a phone number urging me to call her. Reluctantly I did. For some reason I felt it was the right thing to do. When she answered she launched into her story, first explaining that I seemed non-threatening and like someone who would understand and be able to explain things to her. The short story: her fiancé, an older man (she is in her early-forties), had a stash of sex toys and enjoyed watching gay porn. He also enjoyed being anally stimulated. She wondered whether or not he might be gay. Since they were engaged, this was obviously a big issue. The advice I gave her, without trying to sway her one way or another, was to follow and trust her instincts. If it walks, talks and acts like a duck, well you know the rest. I don’t know what she decided, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he, under an assumed, picture-less profile, might be trolling for the real thing.

Unfortunately we can’t expect our famous black men to come out and positively claim their gayness, be out and proud, until we make it safe for them. If we can’t give that safety and respect to these men in the spotlight, how can we do it for the men on our block? And not until we as a community of people from many different backgrounds and cultures, united in our origin from the shores of Africa, begin to love all of who we are and make a place at this very large table will there be the glimmer of hope to repress, if not reverse, this systematic genocide that is attacking our mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, wives, and the like. Maybe one day there will be no more need for the term, DL. Until then, we must continue to educate and not discriminate.