"Waiting on You"
by
Jerome Whitehead

You are not going to like what I have to say.
Knowing you like I do, you won't even have a remote desire to take the slightest whiff
From the banquet of my words.
But this isn't about you - or it isn't JUST about you.
This is about me…us…the we, we should've been.
The seemingly unbreakable bond between father and son.

I look in the mirror and sometimes catch a distant reflection of you, and just for a second…
I drift back to a happier time when you were there - bigger than life…
And I stood in awe of you…
…in fear of you
…had respect for you
…but mostly, I just loved you.

And in the haze of cigarette smoke and stale rum fumes…
…me, my boys and the woman that gave me life vanished in the night…and for years I waited.

I waited for you to come make things right - make things whole…
…be the protector
…and healer
…and the strong black man I thought you were.

I waited by the window and through my mothers tears…
watched her play a role that was meant for two.
There were so many nights that my heart ached for you…
…and I wept for you
…and I longed for you

Man, do you have any idea what that does to a boy
who's trying to become a man but doesn't know how?

Do you know what it's like to stumble into adulthood;
like someone who's had maybe one too many?
…and you weren't there to guide me
…or hold my hand
…or steady me
…or stand me up, square my shoulders and say "be strong".
Nor were you there to teach me lessons I couldn't learn in school.

If you were so strong to woo my mother and make me and mine,
Why weren't you strong enough to see us through?
Why was it my responsibility to keep reaching out to you?
Since when is adulthood decisions left to a 13 year old?

Well, I stopped waiting.
It sucks waiting for a bus that's never gonna come.
…and when it doesn't come - You do what you have to do.
You walk.