A reader comments

Editor's Note: A reader, called "M" to protect his identity, shared this comment with GBMNews: "I am a New Yorker and I'd like to date other HIV + AIDS African-American men. I've been alone forever and I don't enjoy the stress of dating HIV- black men. I'm not looking for white or busted. I am attractive, in-shape but I take HIV meds everyday which I find is just too much for HIV- brothas."

We engaged with "M" asking his opinion on establishing a site or area exclusively for HIV-positive Black Gay men. Below is his response, edited in conformity with our standards, which contains material of a mature nature and presented to advance his point.

 

 
"I don't want to belabor the point, but in NYC, we who are Black and dating have seen the shift to "barebacking" as a new "open" gay norm. The white "boiz," who are primarily producing these images and perpetuating this new social phenomena, are not at the same risk level as us. Yes, there is "AIDS fatigue." I should know I have AIDS, but Black gay folk, who are a crazy significant number in New York, haven't dealt with just being HIV-positive on a day-to-day basis. We can't afford to fall recklessly into this trap. White men's numbers are lower than ours but generally speaking the average "brotha" is woefully disconnected to this information.

On the real, they don't want to hear it, UNLESS you can resolve a basic, simple question: "What am I to do sexually? Tell all my business and not get laid again?" Brothers with HIV have been lost and confused as to what to do sexually since the epidemic began. Most guys sense that before they sero-converted, they were hateful, heartless, shady "faggots," who with great enthusiasm would out or recycle an unsubstantiated health related rumor about a person they didn't even know. 

And [for many] it feels like karma coming to teach that ass what being humble is about when a positive result is confirmed. They didn't know anything before; now they are stumped in ignorance and petrified by fear of AIDS and prejudice that they now know they contributed to. All the regret, fear, dread and self humiliation still fail to inform them of the scope of their responsibility to themselves and to others.

I discovered other Black gay HIV-positive men who have sex with men (MSM) are always exclusively at "normal" sex parties. A buddy shared with me that he assumed I was HIV-positive because I let him have passive receptive intercourse with me WITHOUT a condom. He was spot on and I felt isolated and completely exposed. He graciously elaborated by explaining in great detail his struggle: he actually hosted the sex party I attended. Five years ago, I had noticed at other parties that something similar was happening: [on one occasion] I connected with a brother who reached toward my sock to get a condom and my personal lubricant. 

I gave him a condom. [But] as I stood close to him at the ready, he paused and when I reached back with my pre-lubed hand to touch his member to see if the condom was in place. I gave him more time, thinking that perhaps he was distracted, someone touching him in the dark or wanting more privacy (it is usually a very dark room or rooms where sex takes place at these parties). I rubbed his surprisingly erect penis between my buttocks near my rectum as a tease, but then he began to push his hips attempting to penetrate me. 

I felt like a beggar, despite my good looks, I couldn't say no to something that was so taboo. And, yes, I did pay the price I have had several syphilis breakouts after those fleeting sexual moments. As the night progresses condom use becomes rare; early on we're vigilant single-minded "safe-sex" sentinels but the ice soon breaks and the sex that people really crave envelopes the entire party.

 

 
Meeting HIV-positive "peeps" at a presumed HIV-negative party is the ONLY way I've met other Black men with HIV. The party scene/attitude doesn't lend itself to disclosure of even giving your phone number, or a hook-up to the last guy or series of guys with whom one had sex. I assumed that the guys are HIV-negative and my fear informed my resistance to disclose or attempt to form an actual relationship.

The point [of a censored, verifiable Website] would be to incite that God-awful conversation in the Black MSM HIV-positive community (as a whole) so that we don't infect unsuspecting HIV-negative partners.

Every non-profit agency that caters to Black gay MSM's should be brought on board, so that even if a guy is negative today he'd know and tell his "boi" or if his status changes he'll know that he would be educated, understood and loved in that special way that is necessary when you are attempting to get a grip on this terminal disease.

Anal sex is so charged and so damn taboo for Black men that they cause themselves great pain; suffering needlessly never permitting them to connect with their "feminine" side. 'Cause we all know ain't nobody gettin' no HIV from no damn oral sex- ya' feel me!

Rectal health education is also needed and any site could address all this along with the REAL risk of contracting other STDs from one's lover or casual buddy with whom one has occasional sex without commitments.

White and Latino men who are "into" Black men are obtrusive sexual parasites who believe they are superior sexual partners for Black men. As a Black gay man, regardless of my HIV status, at this time in our community, Black men (gay and straight) are transfixed on sexual relations outside their race. I am not even considered as a partner because all the sexual hype is about how hot White and Latino "boiz" are.

We have to re-learn how to literally love ourselves.

The Black MSM HIV-positive collective is extremely large, so all the haters who suggest that only dating Black men limit their dating options is a bunch of crap. And besides if you want White or Latino HIV-positive men there are sites for them. The dilemma is that in a mixed bag with very slim pickings nearly all the Black men want White men and don't want their own kind on these and other HIV-positive dating sites. We have to do our own thing that has a cultural resonance which speaks to the inner workings of the Black MSM man.

For the record, as a rule I'm cool with White and Latino men, and as a Black man it shouldn't be a struggle for me to have access to my own damn people for communion, conversation, sexual affirmation and a chance at real love.
Thanks for your time and hitting me
"M"


P.S. Keep me in the loop on this topic especially if there is any traction.