Eargasms Volume 4: Music That Heals

It was September 1991, one of those moments that would change my life profoundly but at the time I didn't know it. I was searching, my soul was yearning but usually when you are missing something you don't know it until whatever it is you are seeking is found.

I am a certified "church boy". I grew up Baptist and for the most part I loved every minute of it. I was a choir director, faithful to BTU, Vacation Bible School, sold fish dinners, and had a gleaner during lent. My step-father was the Pastor and my mother a dutiful Pastor's wife (including being president of a couple of minister's wives organizations.) Even though I didn't get a lot of personal abomination messages I was taught that being gay was wrong in the sight of God

As I moved away from my parents and went to college I stopped going to church and even though I met others like me in the bar/club scene and for a while did the closet thing a lot of men in the church did and continue to do, I found myself beginning to question what I was taught. Not only about sexuality but others things concerning religious dogma.

"I've Been Buked"

I began to read and study other faith traditions but didn't want to give up the "black church experience". It just seemed to be part of the wiring system that was used to create me. At the time this was happening there were a lot of men dying from AIDS, which carried condemnation and rejection from the faith community. Confusion set in, but there was still always a deep desire for a relationship with God.

"Fix Me Jesus"

In the midst of this came a transcendent experience that proved to me that God, the Source of all creation was bigger than any religion, faith tradition, dogma, or anything I'd encountered previously. It also showed that God could speak through any medium He or She so chose. I was watching a performance of the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre. It was a wonderful night and as they got to the finale I had my life changing occurrence. Most every performance of the company ends with Ailey's signature work "Revelations". It is a ballet set to a suite of Negro spirituals. First performed in 1958, it stands the test of time, not only as a dance work but one that touches people from any background. Mr. Ailey says that the dance is an assortment of "blood memories" from his childhood in Texas, at church, and during baptism services.

As I sat, listened, and watched the performance with songs like, "I've Been Buked", "Didn't My Lord Deliver Daniel", "Fix Me Jesus", "Wade In The Water", "O Sinner Man", and others that were familiar but spoke to me in a way I had never heard before I was transfixed, deeply moved, and changed. By the time they got to "Rocka My Soul" it was as if I had been to a revival. It wasn't only the music; it felt as if the spirit of the ancestors were guiding me to a new understanding of who God was in my life.

I couldn't sleep when I got home. I had too many questions, but the major one was, how could God create a man like Alvin Ailey, endow him with the ability to create the work I had just witnessed that touched everyone in the audience that night and for many nights before over decades and then condemn him to hell for being gay. It made no sense. Over time I thought of James Baldwin, Audre Lorde, Bayard Rustin, James Cleveland, Essex Hemphill, and others that had inspired me and it just didn't add up as part of God's plan that these people were not fully endowed and created by God.

"Wade In The Water"

It started me on a journey of self and spiritual discovery that totally transformed what I believed to be true about God, faith, and spirituality. At the same time I was watching a lot of Oprah Winfrey who introduced me to authors like Neal Donald Walsch, Iyanla Vanzant, and Gary Zukav. I also discovered the book "What The Bible Really Says About Homosexuality" by Daniel Helmaniak and churches like Unity Fellowship Church of Christ founded by Carl Bean. An affirming congregation for the GLBT community rooted in the black church.

But it was the experience of connecting to that which is Love Unconditional that is portrayed on the stage and in the music in of "Revelations" that I was able to take those steps. I now realize "Revelations" is an incredibly appropriate and in my case prophetic title.

The CD is available at the company's website www.alvinailey.org (among other items, which gives you a great way to support their work) or on other on line sites such as Amazon or Ebay. It includes a performance by the fierce and fabulous Billy Porter and words from current artistic director Judith Jamison about Mr. Ailey and this symbolic piece of art and dance history

"The Day Is Past And Gone"

Those of who find solace in this kind of music or can hear God speaking through any type of music should not allow others who are using the bible to condemn stop us from accessing our connection to our Creator. Religion was used to justify slavery and as our forbearers used song to get them through and in the case of the Civil Rights movement spur them to action we can use music to heal ourselves from wounds inflicted upon us.

Listen closely. You never know at any given time what will be revealed to you…