My beginning. By Alonzo G.

I used to view my life through other peoples' eyes. Now I express my life through my art, creative writing and God given talent. Now I can truly share who I am.

I began a journal five years ago as my marriage was ending after 23 years. Raising four sons from birth to adulthood I never really acknowledged my accomplishments. I would see my life based on what others saw in me. I was a dreamer, not very handy around the house, so they say. I was the quiet one never offending others. I was the choir boy, who loved to sing in church. I was the musician, always practicing. Finally I was the one who abandoned his family to pursue a gay life. So they say…

Yes I admitted that I was gay. This did not mean that I did not care for my family. So things didn’t work out between my wife and I. I gave it 23 year of suppressing who I really was. I once told myself that if my marriage did not last that I would go after the man of my dreams. I could not follow after that dream because I believed what everybody told me. I believed that being gay was a sin and that God hated me for it. So I got married instead. I prayed, went to church, sang in the choir, wrote songs of praise and performed them in front of congregations. For years I asked God to take this desire from me. I thought I would be married the rest of my life yet I still had a plan B.

I could not stop who I was from being exposed so I made a choice. I refused to live on the down low. I had to be free. I gave up.

My ex-wife badgered me for over two years after I moved out, filling my voice mail up with homophobic accusations. I became estranged from my sons. I fell out of church. I lost my friends, my house, my family, my pets, my in-laws…

What they didn’t see was that I was a loving father. I never went to jail. I did not abuse drugs, was not an alcoholic. I was there from the day my son was born and continue to be in their lives. After learning that my ex-wife had been involved in and affair with a co-worker I did not ask her to leave instead I choose to remain in the house and supported them even though I moved into the smallest room in the house and gave the master bedroom to my undeserving spouse.

She kept up the appearances that we were the same happy couple for over a year until I could not take her hate any more. I asked for a divorce. I separated myself from her. I went back to plan B. She kept asking me to come back to her. I told her I was hurt by her affair. She apologized. I told her I am not in love. She said we can work it out. I told her every excuse I could think of for breaking up but she always had a solution. Finally I told her I believe I am gay and was tired of fighting it. She said stay here we need you. You’re not gay. It’s a lie from the devil. You don’t have to be with me just don’t leave.

One day while at work I received a call from my mother who said that my soon to be ex was making accusations about me and my personal business. Of course I called my home to ask what’s up. HOMO, HOMO, HOMO she screamed into the phone irately.

I was so distraught, I walked off the job. As I attempted to open the front door of our two story house in the suburbs where my life had been. The chain was on the door. I went around back and entered the garage. Loaded my belongings into the bed of my truck and said goodbye as I heard her father yell through the speakerphone “he can live under a bridge” I was homeless and crushed. I took me five years to get over this day.

Funny how they all overlooked her transgressions by focusing in on three letters G A Y.

Since then God has blessed my with people who really do have my back. God has placed people in my life to help me. He let me know that I was not alone. My tears did not go unanswered. One by one my children are coming around. I now express my life through my art, music, creative writing and look at it through my eyes.

Don’t let anyone make you give up. Be yourself. Don’t be restricted by the values and standards of other people. They need to look at there own life before destroying yours.

It is ok to be a dreamer. It’s ok to be you.